The ego has questions
and the heart accepts what is.
The ego wants answers
and the heart knows.
The ego wants familiar pain
and to melt that into others
but the heart makes room.
for compassion and change.
*The more I cling to being right and deserving, the further away I get from solution and growth. I release the need to be right, and embrace the mystery of neutrality.
-GODINDRAG
Over the years I’ve noticed the number one reason my New Year’s resolutions don’t carry through the year is because I jumped into change with my actions not my mind and heart and expected big results instantly.
We do this by saying “I will never ever eat/drink/do _____ again!” We try to gain self-love by hitting the gym for 3 hours every day hoping once we finally have the body we want we can get on with loving ourselves. We become attached to thinking that once I have that thing OUT THERE fixed, then everything IN HERE will fall into place. The opposite is true.
When we set unrealistic goals for ourselves in the form of grandiose expectations that are solely action based, the pressure is too strong and we pull the rubber band of our expectations of ourselves too far back, only to have the desire to change snap all the way back to the habit or thing we were trying to avoid. This leads to disappointment in yourself and a heightened sense of self hatred.
Marianne Williamson points out that “I know that that my biggest disappointment is not that I failed to achieve what I intended to, but that I failed to achieve it AGAIN”. The pain of trying and not succeeding for change over and over, can create such a groove in our self-confidence it can almost seem UN-repairable.
The problem is we are stuck on big change FAST. We don’t want to look at the actual reason for the problem, we want it solved and we want it solved NOW. Obviously our first reaction is to look outside of ourselves for all of the things are need fixing, but truly, the world outside of us is a mirror reflection of our inner worlds and the “fixing” needs to start on an inner realm first. We sometimes cast the net of our desire to change too far and lose sight of the small changes inside that need to be made before leaping out into the territory of BIG change.
Change, and I’m talking about real life long change, happens by releasing our minds attachment to reaching a GOAL of some sort. We must remind ourselves that we are NOT our bodies, or our accomplishments, our prizes or money; we are neither our relationships nor our jobs. We are infinite beings who arrived here with nothing and will leave here with nothing, save for our souls which arrived in perfection and will depart in perfection; everything we acquire is temporal and does not reflect our true essence which is eternal it is changeless and untouchable by everything here, least of all, feeling fat, ugly , poor, or untalented.
Real change begins with self-love and when we remember our divinity, re-membering (putting back together) the fragmented pieces of ourselves we lost sight of when we started comparing ourselves to the world outside of us. We are already perfect.
Rest assured I’m not suggesting that we all just eat chips, watch reality TV and waste away imagining that we will still be perfect. In some regards, yes there is perfection and divinity in that if that is your desire and you have no issues with that life then it is certainly your work. But the desire to change is your red flag and you may want to grow into a higher vision of yourself.
The universe will not give you a desire that you cannot achieve. It is in your KNOWING that you are already the person you want to be, that you have the capacity to embody it because you can imagine it. Your job is to give yourself enough self-love and have patience that it will come to be on its own without your meddling or trying to make it happen externally, change happens in the mind and heart first.
We admit our addictions and problems, and say to ourselves “I am willing to change my perception about ______in my life, I want change. But I’m not attached to speed. I’m devoted to unfolding, or peeling back the layers. I am willing to watch every negative thought or emotion I feel and rise above it with knowing it’s a pleasure to know I am already complete and divine, this is a roller coaster of development, a practice in letting go and letting god/universe/higher self”
When we correct the negative and self-loathing thoughts in our minds, the well of energy that was consumed with all of that negativity is released and transmuted into an inspiration to change out of love. We change now, not out of fear, or strife, but out of an honest space of self-love. We find that we change easily because we are already complete; anything we want to change is effortless because we aren’t attached to reaching an unrealistic goal, the pressure is off, we are already healed, we are already healthy, and we are already loved.
Wishing you a transformational New year.
GodinDrag
“I never learned to distinguish between illusion and miracle. I didn’t need to. I trusted in loves confusing joy” - James Broughton
I just woke up.
I finished my internship on the farm yesterday and leave today.
I’m the only one awake in the house right now. Its quiet and grey and the cool creeping bone chill of deep fall comes in the windows, big blanket wrapped around me makes body warm.
The past four months have been so grounding and centering and I really felt the closest to myself and to god/the universe/tao as I have in years. I remember remarking to myself the other day as I sat, taking a short break under a tree, that I felt more a part of nature than an observer of it.
This was quite remarkable because so often it’s easy to feel as if you are just watching the world as if you are not ingrained deeply in its process, a real part of it. Under that tree I felt like an animal, and like a human being, I felt that there was no distinction between myself and the ground, no air no particles, nothing separating me from the moss on the tree or the bird on the branch. So for as heavy and real as I felt I also felt myself as pure spirit, as my higher self, which is the universe itself, I knew I was part of the unfolding, the changing season, I felt my life reflected in the falling leaves and the increasing chill.
It was so beautiful working on the land. Watching things grow, harvesting them, and then watching them die all the while eating and partaking in that great cycle is quite bluntly the most beautiful feeling I have ever experienced.
As I watched the season lull and move quietly into its next incarnation, I myself made choices and movements to move into my own changing life. But more than “making” choices and decisions, I felt myself being moved gently by nature, I was allowing myself to be brought ever closer to where god wanted me to be, I didn’t struggle to try to make the right decision, or completely know all the how’s and why’s, all of the particularities. As the great gay spirit sage James Broughton said in the quote above, ” I trusted in loves confusing joy “.
Not unlike a wild goose
I move swiftly and steadfast
following a map unseen
but rather felt in the heart
a tug unstoppable
carrying me closer
always to home.
Chances are I won’t know the effects of the past four months on my life entirely for a while to come. But I know now that I trust in that delicate tug in my heart and will follow it where it asks.
For now it is taking me in the direction of possible relationship. An intense alchemical vacation to a cabin in the woods with no electricity, a wood stove for heat and candles for light. A lot of art making and dreaming, talking and staying close to nature. Here I trust I will be asked to move into rest or movement. While there is a natural nervous feeling, above that there is a trust in god and a KNOWING of absolute rightness in letting things develop as they will.
I am so thankful for everything I have been given here on the farm, and won’t take the awakenings for granted, they come and go and so do the feelings of joy and fear,but always in those rests the witness, the great I AM ever glad and full of connectedness, not separated. I abide there as often as possible.
Wish me luck dear friends, I feel so blessed to have all of you in my life supporting me and cheering me on. I hope I can do the same for you.
I send you the confidence and trust in god that I have for your next grand adventure.
Love and Light
Greg
The Day To Come.
I wake up whenever I like, but generally I like to be up around 6:30 or 7am. Often the boyfriend is already up working on his own in his studio or at some other project. Our room isn’t huge, it’s quaint with awkward ceilings, earthy coloured curtains cover the windows and light starts to creep in. The bed is made of old wood, handcrafted by someone we know. The bed has old quilts from the 40’s and 50’s cosy blankets with lots of weight and history to them.
The floor is hardwood and I step lightly over a sleeping dog onto a simple rug. The house is quiet as I head towards the kitchen down a long hallway lined with bookshelves to the ceiling, both of us have a borderline obsession with collecting books, but we make sure to make room for them in the house.
The home is old and lived in, full of art from friends and creations of our own. Artifacts from travels abroad and Canadian folk art litter the space. The kitchen is downstairs and I take my time making loose leaf tea and placing it into an old clay teapot. I look through the mail and find a letter from my family members, its full of images of newborn babies. I smile, even though I have no children of my own, nor do I want any I understand the joy they bring to others’ lives and I am glad for them.
After my tea and some time watching out the window at a snowy back yard, birdseed speckled across the snow drifts, I make my way back upstairs, past my boyfriend’s studio, where I know he is either reading, meditating or working on something for a client.
My studio place is already warm; the chimney comes through my room from the fireplace down stairs where my partner has lit a fire, I’m so thankful for his early bird tendencies. We each have our own space for creating, reading, writing, meditating. My room has white walls, and a lot of plants, more books piled around, an old drafting table with my pencils and paints, washes and brushes, above the desk are photographs of inspirational people, Amma, Ram Das, etc. Near the window is a glistening puja table, with more images of Saints and Family, flowers in small cups of water, candles, branches, crystals and sage, here I come to sit in silence. I stay here for about 30 minutes, working on whatever it is I feel needs paying attention to, letting go, receiving, opening up to, forgiving, and creative visualization.
Around 8:30 am the BF and I meet for breakfast, to talk about our dreams and the coming day, he’s off to help some neighbours with something on their farm and I’ve decided to stay home and get some work done for a project I’m working on. We decide on a healthy breakfast with fresh green juices, and hearty breakfast soup, we try to eat with the seasons and also cook with a lot of macrobiotic and raw vegan, but neither of us are completely vegan or raw, preferring to refrain from labels and enjoy the freedom of not being THIS or THAT, rather following our bodies instincts.
Working from home grants me the pleasure of wearing whatever I want so it’s often comfortable jeans and a warm sweater, I head out with the dog and a big tea , wrapped in a warm wool coat I take a short walk to the nearby market where they sell local meats, I pick out a beautiful roast and some more root veggies, we are having a small dinner party tonight, so I’ll need some wine as well. I talk to some familiar faces in the town and head home, after putting the food away, I head to my studio and the dog follows, taking her spot at my feet on a blanket. Here I work for the next few hours on project Ideas for a book cover for an up a coming young writer in the city. The work is rewarding as the client and I share a similar vision. The book was amazing and I know exactly where I am going with the cover. After that I do a bit of work on a small print piece I’m working on, it’s not due for a few weeks but I enjoy having projects completed beforehand.
A friend calls me and invites me into the city for a mutual friend’s birthday party. I agree to come and will take the train into the city in a couple weeks. After the call I go back to my room and work for a short time on a book project I’m doing on my own. It’s something geared towards the self-help/inspiration community but also targeted to young people.
Another call, it’s the BF asking if he needs to bring anything home he has the truck today, not his bike so toilet paper is okay, we laugh and he says he will be home soon to help prepare supper.
Around 4 my neighbour stops by to ask if I’ll be around in the coming week. I say yes and she asks if I would be able to take care of her dogs while she is away on a vacation. I assure her it is no trouble and tell her I’m not off again until after Xmas (India).
The BF arrives home and takes off his clothes in the hallway, sawdust and dirt fall on the floor and I laugh at him as he heads towards the bathroom to shower. We both have our faults, his is dirty clothes on the floor, mine is not throwing empty boxes of cereal away. But we don’t sweat the small stuff. When he comes into the kitchen later, smelling of natural soaps, he kisses me and we talk about our day, laughing at each other, he scrubs potatoes and peels carrots as I pour us both a mug of wine. After I put the roast in the oven and set the table he shoo’s me out of the kitchen assuring me he has a handle on things, and I know he does, amazing cook that he is.
On my way to the bathroom I hear him turn the record player on, he’s got Cole Porter on again, I smile as I hear him break into song “Even educated fleas do it!” he sings. He reminds me of a slightly less nervous Woody Allen, quirky with lots of joy in his blood.
I hear our guests arriving as I head down the stairs, I greet them at the door, our neighbours, craftsmen, artists, farmers, a friend who has brought a first date, an old married couple, everyone is rosy and cold kissed, and glad to be in our warm home, the dog slipping in and out of peoples legs.
During supper, the BF and I look at each other over candles and gourds, both remembering how thankful we are. We all share stories and the wine flows as easily as the conversation. Around 11 o’clock everyone is leaving, and as our final guests leave, we both flop onto the couch, smiling at the cats curled up near the wood stove. The phone rings and it’s my mother making one of her late night calls, she talks about my brothers new baby and her boyfriend and the house, and I assure her I’ll call back tomorrow, but tonight we had a dinner party and are quite tired, she says hello to the BF on the phone quickly and they share a laugh over something I have no clue about, he winks at me.
The dog needs a walk so he takes her out to the yard as I get into bed. When he joins me, his toes are cold and we push and shove each other laughing about it. I’ve already been reading for a bit, and he takes out his book (or kindle J ) but after a few minutes he looks over at me and says “Too tired!” he flicks off his lamp and cuddles up next to me, I put my hand in his hair and twist it around my fingers, he kisses my chest and closes his eyes. I close my book, cuddling is much more enticing. My light goes out and we are there cuddling and warm, I think about how happy I am, I think about my trip to India in a few months, I think of the beauty of the man next to me, the love of my family, and I think about how happy I am that I wrote this all down such a short time ago in a journal in my mom’s house, when none of it existed, but I knew in my soul it would someday.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You may have heard the theory that
somewhere there is a special person who is your other half — the missing
part of you. In D. H. Lawrence’s version of this fantasy, the two of you
were a single angel that divided in two before you were born. Personally, I
don’t buy it. The experiences of everyone I’ve ever known suggest there
are many possible soulmates for each of us. So here’s my variation on the
idea: Any good intimate relationship generates an “angel” — a spirit that
the two partners create together. This is an excellent time for you to try
out this hypothesis, Aquarius. As you interact with your closest ally,
imagine that a third party is with you: your mutual angel.
full of lovely drinks. went to the most beautiful bbq in Ottawa tonight. spoke french, talked about sustainable agriculture, talked about Brazil and oil, listened to Brazilian music , drank red stripe, ate veggie dogs and organic nibbles and veggies, met 5 people under the age of seven, one with glasses and an ichy ear as well as a band aid on his toe, such wisdom. Now I’m back home at the farm, preparing for another glorious week of work.
So my apartment manifested itself. I would say I’m surprised but I’m not.
I’m trying to maintain a sense of spiritual witnessing as all of this happens, but it’s so exciting and fun, it makes me want to squeal with delight and gratitude. Which I guess are pretty grounded things I suppose.
I got the apartment this afternoon after I had a friend in Montreal go and check on it. He gave it the Okay so I’m convinced. My friend has similar taste to me and understands my present state and my desires. It’s a tiny tiny 1 1/2, room enough for a bed and small table, it comes with fridge and two hot plates! HOT PLATES! For about 2 seconds I was bothered by hot plates, but I quickly realized it was my ego that was bothered not actually me. I’ll buy a nice toaster oven, and I’ll be all set. I’m not planning on throwing a turkey dinner at my house anytime soon. :-) The rent is astoundingly cheep for the area and my laundry is free and in the building!
The main thing I am after in this whole thing is the FEELING of being on my own, of having a home of my own. Having a stove or high ceilings or wood floors, or crown moldings is not of consequence, these are not the things I am after.
This entire journey that I am on, moving again, moving here and there, always trusting my intuition and inner promptings is so beautiful. I find it is less about trying to create a perfect image of what you want or think you need, and more about letting go of the idea you need anything at all, or that something will define you. I surrendered to the idea of either living alone, or with other people, of course I felt living alone would be ideal, but I wasn’t ATTACHED to the idea of it, if it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t fall apart, I wouldn’t loose my self, because we are so wrapped up in our possessions, our positions, what we have acquired or want to acquire, because we IDENTIFY these external things with our own selves, when they change or fall apart or away, we feel as if we have lost our true selves.
But this body is not us. Our jobs and interests, books and PHD’s are not us. All of that will disappear. And what remains is the love we are that was with us when we entered this body, and that will exit and go, who knows where when we leave this body.
The wonderful thing that happens when we let go, as Alanis Morrissette sang once, we “get more than [you] can handle”. When we surrender to not “caring” about things like having this or that or defining ourselves by them, we tend to receive what we wanted in the first place, just without all of the worrying and fretting that usually comes along with it.
I KNEW I would end up living in the perfect spot for me at this time in my life. Just that KNOWING, that FAITH, and letting go allowed the universe to get on with it’s job and I butted out and just enjoyed the ride. BANG! I get EXACTLY what I wanted, for LESS thank I was expecting and in a BETTER area than I had anticipated.
That’s something to be thankful for, and I am all the time for all the fucking rad shit that happens to me.
